


Short Fuse

by theweakestthing



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-18 15:13:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1433104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweakestthing/pseuds/theweakestthing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CollegeAU Ikari Shinji is an anti-social literature major that likes to keep himself to himself and not bother anyone else. Shinji's quiet small world is shattered by a charming boy that plays the guitar and annoys Shinji to no end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Shinji realised, one morning, that he hated this world.

It's noisy and suffocating, he can hardly think. He meekly makes his way through throngs of people, making their way to morning classes. He shuffles into the lecture hall and quietly takes a set near the back. Shinji silently prays that no one dares to sit near him, he imagines an impenetrable force-field surrounding him. 

It was the beginning of his second semester as a freshman at a reasonably prestigious university, he had tried his hardest to get a scholarship despite his father being wealthy enough to easily pay all fees. Shinji had wanted to make his own way and maybe earn some acknowledgement from his ever busy and accomplished father, but he had been ignored as usual. 

He pulls his dog-eared notebook from his backpack, along with a pen and relaxed into his seat as the professor began to speak. Shinji loved words, he began to speak at an early age and was talking in sentences before he was walking. He scrawls absentmindedly on the paper as the professor spoke of Hemmingway, Shinji loved stories too. His late mother had loved stories as well, she had shelves and shelves so full that they were buckling under the weight. She would read to him often and had instilled this love in him, he was never seen without a book after that. 

He didn't care much for Hemmingway though, he preferred JD Salinger or Haruki Murakami. He liked realistic stories that seemed to just end like a cliff, ones about the connections between people and their struggle through life. Where the characters weren't heroes or villains, they were just people with flaws like everyone else. 

Shinji idly scratched whatever sentence came to mind, he would later cross out the ones he thought meaningless and rewrite the ones of worth in another notebook specifically for the complied sentences. The screeches of marker on whiteboard penetrated his personal space, making Shinji wince. The hushed chattering of his classmates and the scraping of pen across paper grated against him, he clicked his tongue.

Other people were so annoying, so loud and nosey. The kids in his class had always hounded him about his stories and had laughed at him when he sat alone at lunch reading. They had all taken a step back from him whilst honeying his ear with faux interest and he had taken a few steps back from everyone, recoiling into himself and his books. Other people were just out to take a piece of you anyways, they're selfish, manipulative and careless. Shinji knew he was better off alone. 

He spent the day going from class to class, the first day of semester was always one of the busiest, and had spent lunch in the library. He shut the world out with music as he walked between classes, he liked a vast range of music, not showing bias to any single genre. 

He spends his evening studying and writing with his earphones in, music rhythmically spilling into his ears. He eats dinner and goes to work his part time job at the seven eleven a fifteen minute bus ride from the campus. His shift is dull and eventless, steeped in monotony.

Shinji did not have a roommate, much to his pleasure. He didn't take up much space but he needed a lot to feel at ease, to relax. He dropped his backpack on the desk chair and threw himself onto the bed, sighing into the sheets. Social interactions took a lot from him, so being around the surge of eager students all day had spent him. 

~~~

Shinji shivers in his pea coat at the boy wearing a thin leather jacket and canvas shoes. He was leaning against the brick wall playing an acoustic guitar and humming to himself. Shinji curled his top lip cynically, didn't these sleaze bags usually come out during summer, sitting under a tree trying to get laid? He thought the other insane for trying that trick at this time of year.  
Shinji passes the musician by and continues down the path, heading toward the campus library. His path is bodily blocked by someone slightly taller than him, Shinji tilts his head up. 

The musician's ruby eyes bore down on him and Shinji swears that they actually sparkle. He quirks an eyebrow, irritated. 

"Excuse me," he says curtly and walks around the ruby eyed musician.  
The strange ordeal had taken a toll on Shinji, he usually avoided these situations, human interactions, with the use of earphones and loud music. His body sighed visibly into the large book on butterflies that he had picked out randomly. 

~~~

There's a loud clatter as Shinji fails to grasp the money handed to him. Ruby eyes beam at him from across the counter. Shinji's not sure why he's surprised or why he stutters as he hands other the change or why he blushes when the ruby eyed musician thanks him with a charming smile; but he sure as hell knows why he's irritated when the door chimes and he's left standing alone in the store, he groans audibly. 

~~~

"Hey, are you a transfer student?" rosy voice coated in interest floats through the air and makes Shinji bristle. Libraries are supposed to be quiet and this guy was far too loud, drawing attention from everyone within eyesight. 

"No, I've been here since the first semester," Shinji scowls up incredulously and isn't surprised to find ruby eyes. 

"Hmm," the musician takes his chin in his finger tips, "I've never seen you around before," he tipped his head to the side and smiled angelically. Shinji's brow twitched, he was sure that he was going to burst a blood vessel if this continued much longer.

"I just keep myself to myself, that's all," Shinji shrugged and lifted the book to his eyes, hoping that the other would get the hint. His grip on the book tightened when he heard the chair next to him being pulled out from the table. He peeked over the top of the book.

"I'm Kaworu Nagisa," his silver hair shone as his head dipped beaming a sunny smile, Kaworu extended a hand toward Shinji.

"That's nice," Shinji said, ignoring the silvery haired, ruby eyed, charming musician beside him, burying his face further into the book. 

Kaworu giggled behind his hand elegantly and Shinji fantasised about beating him to death with the hardcover Complete Poems and Tales of Edgar Allen Poe.


	2. Chapter 2

"So what's your major?" Kaworu's angelic tones pierce through Shinji's ear as he's walking to a morning class. 

"Work it out for yourself," he says curtly, in a rush since he somehow couldn't sleep the night before.

"Sounds fun," Kaworu chimed, the sound reverberated through the corridor and bounced off the walls of Shinji's mind. 

He was certain that this would in fact not be fun.

~~~

Shinji berated himself for being surprised when he found Kaworu in his dorm, rifling through his possessions. He stormed over to his desk and promptly kicked Kaworu in the shin.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Shinji barks incredulously, putting his stuff away. 

Shinji turns to the other after a drawn out silence, Kaworu sits atop the desk chair cowering with a sheepish smile. His leg is drawn onto the chair and he rubs it, dipping his head behind his knee. 

"Investigating," Kaworu beams. Shinji blinks at him, frozen by the rage flaring through him. He grips Kaworu by the front of his tatty shirt and shakes him roughly. 

"You are infuriating," a vein throbs on his forehead, he swore his head was going to explode. "Get. Out," Shinji seethed, Kaworu doesn't even flinch let alone move. Shinji releases the happy little devil and groans, he bristles against the breach of his small world for one. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he says lowly, face in his hands. 

"You're really interesting, Shinji-kun," Kaworu rests his chin on his hand on his knee, eyes belying said interest.

"Who said you could use my first name?" Shinji stood up straight, his eye twitched in annoyance. Shinji was 100% certain that this red eyed demon would be the death of him.

"Hmph," Kaworu pouted looking off to the side, "it's cute," he says petulantly. Shinji's face twists in abject horror as he feels heat rise to his cheeks.

"It's not cute!" His denial is far louder than it needs to be and the sound of it bouncing off the walls only causes Shinji's blush to deepen. Kaworu just smiles at him endearingly, Shinji wants to kick his face in. Shinji absentmindedly glanced at the clock and sighs. "Look, I have to go to work," he says hurriedly, rushing around the room, "you better not be here when I get back," Shinji warns and slams the door as hard as he can.

~~~

Shinji stumbles into his dorm tired and aching, he slowly gets ready for bed in the darkness. He finally settles on his bed only to jump with a yelp, there's someone in his bed. Shinji flicks the light on and lifts the heavy 900 page poetry anthology above his head and slaps it right across the face of a drowsy Kaworu. 

"What was that for?" Kaworu whines holding his face, his visible eye glaring softly at Shinji.

"What the hell are you still doing in my room?" Shinji exclaims exacerbated. 

"Waiting for you to come home," Kaworu stated as if it were obvious.

"Are you completely retarded?" Shinji sighs heavily, at the end his rope, "I told you to leave, we're not friends, I don't even know you, get the fuck out of my room before I hit you again," Shinji fumed. 

"You don't have any friends do you?" Kaworu says flatly, cutting through Shinji like a knife. "You're lonely and pathetic, you've convinced yourself that you're better off alone haven't you?" The anthology slips through his fingers and crashes to the floor. "Have you ever had any friends? Do you even know what it's like?" Kaworu rises from the bottom bunk and loomed over him. "Who burnt you so bad that you shy from all social interaction?" Kaworu whispered into his ear and Shinji recoiled. 

"I don't need you or anybody else!" he screams in Kaworu's face, the other doesn't even flinch. Instead he shrugs and exits silently, leaving Shinji standing there shaking.

~~~

Shinji spends the entire morning smoking on the roof, watching the sun rise. He feels a pang in his chest as ruby shades dye the dark sky, he regrets his words last night. He's not sure if he meant the words he spat, but he knows that he has no idea how to take Kaworu. 

He sighs as he takes a particularly long drag on the cigarette between his fingers, he makes up his mind as red spreads across the sky like ink in water. 

He might not needs friends or anyone for that matter, but having someone around may not be so bad, right?

~~~

Wrong.

Kaworu Nagisa, Shinji was willing bet every single penny he had ever saved, was created to test his patience. 

Since Shinji had graciously apologised for hitting Kaworu, but explained that it was extremely rude to cross certain personal boundaries, the boy had practically been glued to his side and it was driving Shinji insane. He even slept in the top bunk, not leaving Shinji a single minute to himself. Shinji's only respite was when he was at work, he even took on more hours. 

It had only been a week and Shinji was about to snap.

~~~

He sat in the empty bathtub fully clothed, since it was the only place that Kaworu wouldn't follow him, and smoked. He had been smoking more often since he met Kaworu, he sighed loudly and squished the empty packet in his hand. 

"I didn't know that you smoke," Kaworu's light floaty voice drifts into Shinji's ear, he's far too relaxed to open his eyes.

"What's it you?" he challenges, the edge void from his tone.

"I wouldn't have pretended that I don't is all," Kaworu says simply as he sparks up, Shinji cracks his eyes open at the noise. 

Kaworu sits on the edge of the bathtub and Shinji really looks at him for the first time. The suns setting outside the window and Kaworu's skin shines translucent in the warm glow, he's so deathly pale. Light filters through his hair making it glow softly, his ruby eyes shimmer in the low light. He always seemed to be smiling like nothing could ruin his mood, like everything would work out somehow. 

"My mother died when I was eight," Shinji states, he's not sure why but he continues, "we were really close and after that I rarely saw my dad, he's cold and distant." He took another long drag and let the ash fall to the tiled floor. "I don't think he likes me, I don't think he ever has," he says bitterly, "I think that the only person he had room for was my mother and now that she's gone there's no room for anyone," he stubs the cigarette out on the side of the bathtub. 

Kaworu said nothing, instead he pulls out his packet of cigarettes and offers one to Shinji. The blue eyed boy takes it and shifts in the tub, making room for Kaworu. They spend the rest of the night sitting in the bathtub comfortably uncomfortable, smoking in silence. 

Shinji thinks then, that Kaworu might not be the death of him just yet.


	3. Chapter 3

Shinji lied on the floor of the dorm room, earphones in and iPod on, music spilling into his ears. It was early afternoon on Shinji's day off, no classes and no work. His eyes trace the cracked lines of the white ceiling, imagining it as a blank canvas to write his story upon. People fell in and out of love there, people lived grand and small lives there, people died there, dramas and tragedies, never comedies. 

A slender pale finger slid the earphone from his ear as Kaworu settled on the floor beside Shinji, he put the bud in his ear and mirrored Shinji. 

"What do you see?" Kaworu's quiet tone drifted lightly to Shinji. 

"Boy meets society and disagrees with it," Shinji feels like there's a spell over them here as the cold January sun spears through their window. "He meets people that don't take him seriously, people dismiss him, he feels detached and disenchanted," a cool hand covers his softly. "He struggles with fitting in and sees himself as an outsider, he doesn't believe that anyone can understand him," Shinji turns his hand palm up under Kaworu's. "Even though that's total bullshit," he says bitterly, "people understand, their just too selfish and wrapped up in their own personal dilemmas to acknowledge yours," he actually laughs, fighting the sadness clawing at him. 

"You could always tell someone," Kaworu entwined their fingers, "there's always someone you can open up to." He turns to Shinji then, "it's just a two way street, you've got to be willing to understand them in order for them to understand you," his face is soft and understanding, as usual. "And therein lies the dilemma, if you want someone to understand you, you have to let them in making yourself vulnerable," his deep ruby eyes took Shinji's breath away. 

"I'm not ready for that," Shinji turned back to the ceiling, removing his hand from Kaworu's. 

~~~

Shinji sits on the roof and drinks a can of beer from the six pack he brought from a sophomore, the sky's red as the sun sets and there's a bitter chill in the air. 

He thinks about Kaworu's words, about how it's never worth letting someone in. They always hurt you and you always hurt them, people are mutually rotten to the core.

~~~

Shinji's quite drunk when he returns to the dorm, staggering as the remaining cans clack in his backpack. 

Kaworu's reading at Shinji's, now their, desk humming to himself. He looks up as Shinji all but slams the door and just watches as the other makes his way to the bed and collapses upon it. 

"You're awful," Shinji whines, his voice muffled by the pillow, "just awful, you know that?" 

"How so?" Deep interest colours Kaworu's voice. 

"You muscle your way into my life, into my dorm and demand to know everything about me without giving any information about yourself," he accuses, hand flailing with his head still pressed deep into the pillow. 

"You haven't asked about me," Kaworu raises an eyebrow, amused, as Shinji sits up abruptly, his head spins. "Don't you think that's awfully self-centred of you?" Shinji vaguely resumes his fantasy of murdering the other as a self-satisfied smile spreads across that pale charming face. 

"Then, uh," Shinji clears his throat, "tell me about yourself," his head swims at how stupid he sounds. Kaworu settles next to Shinji on the bed, captivating the other with reflection of the dim light from the desk lamp in his dark crimson eyes.

"I'm Kaworu Nagisa, freshman, I study art, I-" Shinji's too loud voice cuts him off.

"You what?" He barked in surprise, "you study art, as in like paintings and shit," he swayed gently. 

"Yeah I paint," Kaworu said trying to suppress the laughter bubbling up in his throat. 

"Where?" Shinji said whilst eyeing the room with dramatic movements. 

"In my studio stupid," Kaworu gently brought his fist to Shinji's forehead, tapping him lightly. 

"Oh," Shinji visibly deflates, feeling rather stupid.

"I paint," Kaworu continued with a soft smile, "I was raised by my grandmother, my parents died when I was a baby, my favourite artist is Francis Bacon, I like music, any kind really, I like foreign movies and I like you, Shinji-kun." Only then did Shinji realise that Kaworu had inched closer and was pressed against his left side. "Do you like me?" Kaworu's voice twisted like smoke in the air and Shinji choked on it. 

"Y-you really like pushing your luck," Shinji exclaimed whilst a light blush began to dust his cheek. 

"It's a simple question Shinji-kun," Kaworu said flippantly, shrugging his shoulders. 

"Yeah and you're simply annoying," Shinji grit his teeth at the other's carefree attitude. 

"Another time then," he said simply, getting up and returning to the desk. 

Shinji removed his jacket and jeans before climbing under the sheets. He feigned sleep whilst watching Kaworu read through the slit of one eye. 

~~~

"Ugh, what are you doing?" Shinji asks darkly, awoken by the clatter and rustle of Kaworu. He rolls onto his side and fishes his phone out from under his pillow. He blearily looks at the time and furrows his brow, it's 4am. "I said, what on Earth are you doing so loudly at this time of the freaking morning?" He says disgruntled sitting up.

"Huh, oh I'm just painting, sorry," Kaworu's face encompasses Shinji's vision, his voice apologetic. "I just couldn't sleep with all the noise in my head," he smiles that soft charming smile and Shinji's not sure if he should blush or punch that smile right off of his face. 

Kaworu goes back to the canvas rested against the wall opposite the bunk, kneeling in front of it. Shinji brings his legs round and dangles them over the edge, toes curling in the carpet. Sure he was damned dog tired but he was far too intrigued to close his eyes now.

Shinji stepped lightly toward where Kaworu knelt and sat crossed legged beside the silvery haired boy. Kaworu had mixed his paints on Shinji's personal copy of Shakespeare's entire works, Shinji really couldn't find it within himself to care. He slowly drew his eyes toward the canvas, drinking in the enchanting sight.

Kaworu used a pastel palate of acrylic paints, a glass of water sat beside him holding various brushes. His movements were light and delicate, tracing the brush across the stretched fabric. He manipulated the thick paint, Shinji was silent like he was in church watching some kind of sacred ritual.

When Kaworu sat back, the sun had been up for some hours. Shinji sat in awe of the sight in front of him. 

It was a portrait of Shinji, outline purple and blurred in specific places. He looked distant, closed off, afraid and beautiful. Blue eyes dim but not dull, lips rough neither hard or soft, hair gently framing his face in a soft and simple curve. Shinji was silent for quite some time, he was vaguely sure that he was missing a morning class.

"Is this how you see me?" he said at length, his tone tentative. 

"This is how I see you, Shinji-kun," Kaworu said softly as he lay back, curling up on the floor. He drifted to sleep as Shinji stared at the serene face and decided to lay beside him, he held Kaworu's outstretched hand and fell asleep in the blinding morning light.


	4. Chapter 4

Kaworu sees Shinji walking across the campus, most likely on his way to the library. He could no longer hear what the person in front of him was saying, his attention gravitating toward the blue eyed boy. 

"Excuse me," Kaworu said as he slid past whoever he had been talking to, that information just didn't seem important anymore. He jumped on his rickety, practically falling apart bike and rolled down the hill toward Shinji. As he approached the boy, Kaworu began to ring the bell upon the handle bars. "Shinji-kun," Kaworu beamed as he gripped the brakes.

Shinji stopped, pulling the earphones from his ears by the wire and sneers at Kaworu. He notices the canvas wrapped in brown paper strapped to Kaworu's back.

"What," Shinji says darkly. 

"Well, it's lunch time, let's have lunch together," Kaworu's smile is so bright that Shinji actually squints. 

"I'm busy," he says curtly and turned to walk away. 

"Fine, I'll wait," Kaworu rode beside Shinji as the latter made his way toward the library, Shinji couldn't summon his usual ire after the day before. 

"W-won't that damage the painting?" Shinji asked voice unsure, he fiddled with the strap of his backpack. 

"Nah, it's fine," Kaworu said waving a hand dismissively. Shinji's stomach roared as though it was devouring his insides. 

"Maybe I could write up my notes whilst we have lunch," Shinji said embarrassed. 

~~~

In the campus cafe, Kaworu picks at the crumbs left on his plate and sniffs the sweet tea in his hand. Shinji's notes were spread across his side of the table, plate on his lap and black coffee steaming away on Kaworu's side of the small table. His chicken scratch scrapes into the paper and Kaworu wonders lightly how Shinji could make so many notes in only a hour long class, he leans further over the round table to read the upside down writing. He sat back and smiled fondly, it appeared that Shinji had finished his notes some time ago and had begun to write scenarios. 

Shinji's sharp blue eyes spear Kaworu to his chair, impaled by the gaze. The former blushes lightly and returns his gaze back to the papers in front of him, his fingers trace delicately over the paper. The crisp white, smooth under the pads of his fingers. He reaches for the dark coffee and breathes in the scent before consuming it, bitter just like him. 

"Is that the painting from yesterday?" Shinji says not bringing his eyes from the scrawl in front of him. 

Kaworu can't manage to see anything but the gentle shy boy having lunch with him, like he's a horse with blinkers on. The world beyond them is blurred and faded, so far away from the existence he has wrapped himself around. 

"No, that's for you and only you," he says sternly, Shinji snaps his head up heart jumping into his throat. 

~~~

Shinji buys a new notebook and takes his time trying to find one the exact shade of red as Kaworu's eyes. He pulls out his favourite pen, it fits perfectly in his hand and the ink flows so smoothly that Shinji feels more like he's painting than writing. He writes of Kaworu, he describes how he sees him, how he had seen him in glorious moments that they shared. Shinji describes how Kaworu's skin seems to absorb light and how it glistens and shimmers. The warm and welcoming feeling of Kaworu's hand in his own, long pale fingers twisting into his pulling him down the rabbit hole. That never ending gaze that glints at him like the sun in the ocean, it pulls him in and lets him sail upon it, lets him swim in it, drowns him in it. 

He's not sure if this is reciprocation or adoration, but the taste of it burns his tongue and churns in his stomach. The idea that he could have feelings for someone and that those feelings would be mutual felt like a fantasy, like a fiction he himself wove over his own eyes. He just couldn't swallow it, it was choking him. Knuckles going white as the pens creaks in his grip, he screws his eyes closed and body going taught over his desk.

"I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away," he mutters over and over. 

~~~

When Shinji comes home one night, he finds Kaworu sitting at the desk leafing through the ruby red notebook. The pale boy isn't smiling he's practically glowing and it embarrasses Shinji to no end, he goes straight to the bathroom. 

He stands under the steaming flow of water for several mintues, the heat melting the tension but not devouring it. There's a soft click and Shinji realises that he forgot to lock or he left it open subconsciously, he wonders what that says about him. 

"Oh, I thought you'd be done by now," Kaworu says voice like a summer's breeze. 

"U-um sorry, I'll be done soon," Shinji stutters as he begins to wash himself haphazardly, almost using soap for shampoo and shampoo for soap. He hears Kaworu leave again and is ashamed by the sinking feeling of disappointment twisting through him. 

~~~

"Do you have a bike, Shinji-kun?" Kaworu says as he laces his sturdy boots. Shinji notes how he's finally giving into the sheer winter by wearing a scarf, he's still wearing that thin denim jacket that Shinji fantasies about burning every time the other wears it. 

"No," he states dully whilst buttoning up his pea coat. 

"Hmm, well you can always sit on the back of mine I guess," Kaworu says thoughtfully as adjusts his jacket. 

"U-um ok, we're just going out to get stationary though," Shinji fiddles with the zips of his backpack. 

"So, it'll be faster and I promise you'll enjoy it," Kaworu all but winks and Shinji imagines kicking him in the face. 

~~~

They wiz down the hill, Kaworu taking his feet off the peddles and spreading his legs. Shinji holds on tightly to Kaworu abdomen, face being assaulted by the crisp morning air and occasionally whipped by the scarf. And despite the harsh winter they're having, Kaworu's stomach is warm under Shinji's fingers. He's temped to rest his face against that back to hide from the bitter weather, but he doesn't. 

Shinji admits to himself that maybe on a summer's day this would be fun, but right now he's far too cold to enjoy it. Although, he does enjoy the feel of Kaworu, the press of a taught skinny torso against his arms, muscles flexing and relaxing as the boy begins to peddle again. 

when they'd finished their errands and returned to the dorm, Shinji immediately missed the comforting warmth that was previously in his grasp. He watched Kaworu climb the stairs before him, long legs extending and slender fingers tracing over the hand rail, he hates the butterflies in his stomach and the lightness of his heart in that moment. 

~~~

Kaworu pretends to read as Shinji drifts off to sleep, fingering the pages absentmindedly. He listens to Shinji breath and waits for them to even out, when it does he rises from the chair. Kaworu perches on the edge of the bed and just watches Shinji breathe for a while. 

His head is full to the brim with thoughts of only the brown haired boy sleeping before him, it's like his favourite song on repeat and he's not getting tired of it. Unlike Shinji, he never feels the urge to run when all he senses is the other, it just pulls him in deeper and he allows it. 

Kaworu yearns to love him honestly, to say all the things stuck in his throat, to draw Shinji into his embrace. The boy that says go away with his mouth but screams stay with his body, Shinji doesn't even tell him to go away anymore. He smiled fondly at the thought that Shinji was warming up to him, he ever so light stroked the boy's cheek with the back of his hand, Shinji doesn't stir. He accepts Shinji as is, perfections and flaws twisting, winding around each other to create the boy he adores. And boy does he adore him, Kaworu's hand cards through Shinji's hair, the latter leans into it sighing. 

The words in that red notebook swim through his mind, how Shinji thinks of him, the beauty he describes makes Kaworu feel a part of something. The boy below him makes him feel whole and he longs to hear those words from that mouth, aches to. 

The unwavering beauty below him stirs, panting, heaving, sweating and Kaworu's unsure of what to do at first. He leans closer and takes a hold of Shinji's chin and lifts his head, he leans even further down. He is unable to stop the motion as Shinji's eyes open slowly, the dark haired boy continues to hyperventilate. Kaworu brings their lips together, covering Shinji's mouth with his own, acting as a paper bag. He feels Shinji's hand clawing at his back, fingers pull at his t-shirt. He tries to consume the other's pain, no matter if it's fictitious or not.

Shinji whimpers as Kaworu pulls away, his breath evening. He roughly shoves the other away, panting with the effort. Shinji leans over his legs, a hand holding his chest feeling it thump against his ribs. His lips tingle with the ghost of the kiss, head spinning with the suddenness. They both realise it's too soon and Kaworu leaves, walking off in to the night. Shinji sits there hand covering his mouth, unsure of whether to chase him or go back to sleep. He stays like that, in that limbo until the sun rises.


	5. Chapter 5

Shinji feels uneasy, like a deer on ice, unsure of his next steps. He stares at the portrait of himself and wonders if he'll ever see this in the mirror, wonders if he'll ever love himself. He remembers reading somewhere that you can't love someone else without first loving yourself, it bothers him. 

He waits and nothing more, waits for Kaworu to come back and tell him who he is. To tell him that it's okay to love himself, that he is worthy of love. Tell him that he's important, that he's of value. Shinji quickly decides that he doesn't deserve it, doesn't deserve a crutch if he can't even get to his feet. 

The day slips away from him, like sand through the gaps between his fingers. 

~~~

The next day is normal, abnormally so. Shinji awakes to the noise of the shower running and Kaworu's humming bouncing off the tiled walls. He waits his turn, washes, goes to his classes, spends his lunch time in the library with Kaworu sitting silently beside him, goes to work, comes home and flops onto the bed. Shinji falls asleep without a word, he feels as though every atom that makes up his body is vibrating. 

Before he falls asleep, Shinji makes up his mind to talk to Kaworu, to be an adult and suck it up. 

~~~

The soft glow of the desk lamp filters through the gap Shinji makes when he opens the door, he's tired from work and drained from the stress of having a friend. Kaworu is sitting at the desk, sketching with a triangular shaped pencil. Shinji swallows his nerves as he closes the door, mentally preparing himself for the conversation. 

"Um, Kaworu," he says softly, fiddling with his gloved hands, the silver haired boy looks up from under his lashes. "I, I er," Shinji sighs heavily, Kaworu watches him patiently. "I think we should talk about the erm kiss," sky blue eyes meet ruby red ones and Shinji hopes that the low light hides his blush. 

"Ok," Kaworu says plainly, he sets the sketchbook aside and places the pencil upon it. He then turns bodily toward the shorter. 

"W-why did you do it?" Shinji tentatively pulls at the fabric of his gloves, feeling as though the ground beneath his feet is uneven. 

"Because I wanted to and I thought it might help with your nightmare induced hyperventilation," Kaworu says offhandedly leaning his elbows upon the back of the chair, Shinji notes the order of the reasons.

"Thank you," he feels stupid for saying it, but also feels like he needed to say it. "Do you want to often?" Shinji bites out the words before he loses his nerve, it annoys him how important the answer is to him. 

"Yes, quite often," Kaworu says lightly as his eyes shine in the dim light. "How does that make you feel Shinji-kun?" His lips curl cat like. 

"You a fucking psych or something?" Shinji can't stop the kneejerk reaction, bile rises within him as he remembers the psychiatrists that had asked him the same question over and over. Kaworu raises a brow at the expulsion, unfazed by the harsh tone.

"Shinji-kun, do you think I deserve that kind of abuse or are you trying to push me away again?" The easy smooth sound of his voice irritates Shinji, as does the brow that remains raised. Shinji stutters in reply, not really sure what he was trying to do with those words.

"I don't want to offend you or push you away," Shinji says quietly, staring down at Kaworu's bare boney feet. "I just want things to be easy," he says barely above a whisper, words sticking together like treacle. 

"Nothing worth doing is easy, Shinji-kun," that voice drifts like a feather on the breeze toward him, grounding him. 

"What are we doing anyways?" Shinji groans, annoyed by the lack of clarity in his muddy mind. 

"Stop looking for things to be complicated," Kaworu rises from the chair, "stop over thinking me," he takes steps toward Shinji, "stop questioning the value and strength of our blossoming relationship," he cups Shinji's face in his palms and brings it mere inches from his own.

"A-and what kind of relationship would that be?" Shinji struggles out and unknowingly drops his gloves to the floor, eyes wide and staring into the ever sparkling ones of Kaworu. Those rubies light up at the words that spill from Shinji's lips, Kaworu leans forward slowly, silently daring the other to reject him. Their lips press together softly, Shinji notes how cold Kaworu's lips are. They move in unison, Shinji feels like he's being dragged under clawing waves and all he does is lean into it. 

The feel of Shinji pressing back, leaning into him and moving with him makes Kaworu's chest tight and thrum hard. He feels dizzy and he's not sure if it's because Shinji is finally reciprocating or the lack of oxygen, he finds it hard to care. 

Kaworu steps back, completely removing himself from Shinji and licks his lips. Shinji stands there breathing hard, staring at the other as he brings fingers to his lips, they tingle.

"I'd like us to have that kind of relationship," Kaworu says, standing confidently. "We don't have to do couple stuff or anything that you don't want to," he says warmly, eyes easy and soft, "we can just be us, together," he smiles softly, hand reaching out toward Shinji. The other just nods and takes his hand.

They lay together on Shinji's bunk, which is slightly to small for two people so they have to cosy up together. They talk about things, trivial and important, fingers entwined between them. 

~~~

It's a lazy afternoon, the boys sit cross legged back to back. They share earphones as Kaworu sketches and Shinji writes. Shinji leans back against the warmth of Kaworu and sighs, eyes closed. 

"Shinji-kun?" Kaworu says lazily and Shinji hums in return. "Would you mind sitting for me?" He turns slightly and his voice ghosting up Shinji's nape.

"W-what?" Shinji mumbles as he jolts around to face Kaworu. 

"Would you sit for me so I can draw you, like life drawing," Kaworu says smiling that soft smile that makes Shinji jump to conclusions.

"Aren't life drawing models usually naked?" Shinji says incredulously, an eye brow raised. 

"I didn't know that Shinji-kun is an exhibitionist," Kaworu dodges Shinji's pathetic punch easily. "Are you shy, Shinji-kun?" He tilts his head and Shinji wonders if a stab through the eyes with a pen would kill Kaworu. 

"Shut up," Shinji says darkly. 

"Is that a no on the getting naked then?" Shinji finally lands a slap straight across Kaworu's face, the sound rings out through the room. Annoying laughter comes from that red face and Shinji growls.


End file.
